• “My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
  • “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
  • “Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.” – Phyllis Diller
  • “We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” – Phyllis Diller
  • “Poverty is hereditary – you get it from your children.” – Phyllis Diller
  • “I asked my mom if I was a gifted child . . . she said “they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.” – Unknown
  • “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle
  • “A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car for ever after” – Peter De Vries
  • “It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” – The Golden Girls
  • “If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylum would be filled with mothers.” – Edgar Watson Howe
  • “The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she’d have children if she had it to do over again. “Yes”, she replied “but not the same ones.” – David Finkelstein
  • “Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease.” – Lisa Alther
  • “Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.” – Unknown
  • “Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.” – Dennis Fakes
  • “Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” – Ed Asner
  • “The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn’t getting enough sleep.” – John Fiebig
  • “I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.” – Unknown
  • “Child rearing myth #1: Labour ends when the baby is born.” – Unknown
  • “Children are great comfort in old age. And they help you reach it faster, too.” – Lionel Kaufman
  • “My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.” – Bob Monkhouse


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